The Diary Of A Confused/Insecure Girl
It has been a very long time since I publish on my blog, not that I have not been writing but the zeal has been zero, and I keep writing in my head at some point, you know what always happens, the thoughts go away after sometime, and I hate this a lot but I find myself doing it over and over. How would I ever stop this and write all the time to get me into that professional level, you know what I mean. Make a living out of it, chuckles.
I have written millions of articles or books in my head and mind, smiling, I bet a lot of writers probably do this, am becoming a great writer already without knowing it, just like Hank Moody, he was never serious but he was a good writer(see Californication TV Series), well, I wont compare myself to his character because it’s all fiction and fantasy, I hate being interrupted when am writing( my niece interrupted my thoughts), so This brings me to my writing of the day,
I have a routine weekend for a very long time, I mean for years, maybe 5 years, I have no social life anymore, which is why I want to start a new life.
I work from Monday to Fridays and go straight home, on Saturdays, I wake up, maybe drink water, but definitely not brush my teeth early, I indulge in some dirt at times, afterwards, I definitely don’t wake up on time, so, I tidy the bathroom and the toilet, do my laundry, go shopping for groceries, cook, maybe visit the beauty salon some Saturdays, get back home, watch some films, go online to chats with whoever is online, here comes the nightfall, and I will watch film till the next morning, sleep maybe 2 am.
I woke up late on sunday, contemplating if I should go to church or not, anytime I don’t go to church, I feel this guilt in me, because I feel God is not happy with me, because I am supposed to devote my time to him today, God am so sorry for this and I wish to change, and really give you all my time, please forgive me and don’t punish me for my sins (this is the prayers of many people on Sundays once they miss church).
When I don’t go to church, I just watch films, ‘lazy girl’ that I am, and when its time to make lunch, I make that while everyone is out in the house of God, am writing this on a Sunday evening that I didn’t go to the house of God to worship him, you can imagine the kind of guilt I have inside of me at this moment, close your eyes and picture me miserable.
I have no time to write anymore, I hate my job, I have no boyfriend at the moment, all I do is fantasize about cute guys and think how wonderful it will be to just get away with one. I don’t know if you feeling what am trying to put to you , what my feelings are, like a lost girl who has no point of direction, what would I ever do with my life, the emptiness is destroying me, I need a ‘Clark Kent’ to rescue me.
I have a list of things to do with my life but I tell you, I cannot reach them yet even when I see them so close to me, I stretch my hands but cannot grabbed them, how pathetic all these seems. You know, some people don’t even have to look over before they get what the want.
I never want my kids to feel what am feeling now, I want a new life and direction of life, but to have that, hmm, what do I do, get on my feet and get on the start line. I really do need help and your advice.